Have you ever dug a hole, metaphorically, and lost yourself in the process? This week has brought me (again) face to face with my Ol Blueprint – seriously, I am getting SO good at identifying it’s DNA in everything I do – or, rather, don’t do… and I guess that’s just it isn’t it.
Knowledge will not apply itself. – Master Key 10:23
I am going to choose – right now, as I write this to change my mental state. When I sat down to write this post my teeny tiny little world was stuck in a pity potty ahem .. party. (Thanks for that turn of phrase Mark!)
This week has been one relatively long self-inflicted disappointment – and I am going to use it as an abject lesson in why I am here in this course.
So – there is a very large portion of my DMP, my service card, and my P.O.A. that has derailed my progress over the last month. We are supposed to put down something that we CAN do to advance our Dharma – and I have GOT that covered… it’s the one part that I KNOW I MUST do to advance my dreams.
Except – I haven’t been…
Even more devastating to me, I LOVE doing that one thing “in the moment”…not “on purpose”. But I have begun to suspect that this is an excuse. And you can have excuses or results…not both.
We are told in this weeks’s Master Key that we are to follow one, simple concept:
And, if I boil it down to an extremely simple statement a mentor of mine made: Just DO the thing, and come with us.
So, here’s the hole I seem to have dug for myself: I have re-enforced my ‘Ol Blueprint by putting down on the card exactly what I “should” – and proceeded with laser like accuracy to follow my old pattern of proving that no-one will die if I don’t actually DO them.
Further compounded with the second page of my blue print (and this matches the “Guy in the Glass” perfectly) : No one is going to penalize me for “saying the words” without actually “doing the actions” (seriously, I’ve got so much on my plate…)
…and finally justify it by the fact that even then I can still succeed better than the majority of people out there (seriously this is the EGO-tistical stuff that goes through my head…)
Even KNOWING that the Master Key teaches:
Every action which is not in harmony with Truth, whether through ignorance or design, will result in discord, and eventual loss in proportion to its extent and character. (Master Key 9:9)
Character is not a thing of Chance, but it is the result of continuous effort.(Master Key 9:Intro)
I want to change my character SO badly. When it comes to promises to OTHER people… NAILED it. I can do those without a second’s thought. When it comes to promises to MYSELF…well, that’s a different game and thus a different story.
I want to be able to truly believe in myself again – I’m pretty sure I have, at least once in life,
…and that I can do these things that I know must be done. When the Greatest Salesman Scroll 3 says “…I will avoid despair but if this diease of the mind should infect me then I will work on in despair.” HOLY crap “been there, done that” – as my mind jumps back to the many, long, wet-and-soaking-cold evenings alone – spotlighted in the middle of 50+ acres of pitch black. Stacking, nailing, gluing, tying things together – to build the house I live in now. Yeah, two years of that despair was enough to teach never to build my own house again…
And heck I’d like to be ME for the first time in life… problem is what “should be” seems to win out over “must be” all the time.
I work my J.O.B. because I should pay my debts (I created them), and I should feed my kids (ummm, yeah made those too!)
And the crazy, horrible, awesome, sick-as-all-get-out thing is – I enjoy my softwareinternet J.O.B. to the point that I do lose track of time and I do do it for free (more often than I should). Heck – I WANT to teach people everything I have learned, show them how dead simple it is when you peel back the curtains.
Help them to leverage technology in their pursuits of their dreams. And, well…
Isn’t that supposed to be the definition of a “Passion”. Isn’t a passion supposed to make you feel all magical and fuzzy-warm inside, creating that mythical Happy-ness stuff??!
So why is it that when I look up from my keyboard at Life all around me – I hate the reality of what I do. Sitting in the same 20 square feet of space, 13 to 15-or-more hours a day, typing on a keyboard – and ache for the time when it is “right” for me to again chase my dreams with wild abandon.
And here’s a thought that crosses my mind, that I edited “language” out of this post in keeping with that same “shouldmust” blueprint. I should be the proper, in-offensive, good-little-boy character and “give people what they want”… to hear, see, feel.
Aren’t we – at some subconscious level of peer pressure supposed to post how wonderful-crazy-awesome this whole thing is? Don’t get me wrong – it IS wonderful-crazy-awesome and would be doubly so if I were to let go of “should”-ing all over my life and DO what the Master Keys say. I got the “exercises” in the Master Keys rock solid DONE – but application of that knowledge is lacking.
My Dharma cries out that I must be myself – regardless of who that pleases.
That those too silent screams I hear in my head really are those Dreams that might not make it out of the graveyard if I die before reaching the “E”nd – if I don’t get going with the chasing of dreams.
So I think I’ll take a cue from the very beginning of our course…
Today I begin a new life.